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We dated on and off and on and off and on again from between 5 and 7 years ago. We were "official" on xmas night. We first started talking right about this time in 2005. I always think about you a lot this time of year.

Not in a crazy stalkery way, just a wistful way. I was so broken when we got together. And after. It's funny, I kind of look back at my former self and want to be like "dude, relax". And in many ways you were pretty broken too. We had magic and we had struggles, like anyone does about anything I guess. You were my first real girlfriend after my divorce.. I'm sorry about that, lol, you got me pretty damaged from the start. Boy did I love you though. With such a burning heat, it literally drove me crazy. I loved emailing back and forth with you all the time at work. Small talk, chit chat, deep philosophical discussions, to deeply personal conversations. I loved going to rock shows with the only chick in town to mosh at a cradle of filth show. I kind of felt like we were it. I saw us as mean nasty old folks chasing those FUCKING KIDS off our nice lawn. We split, I didn't deal with it all that well. I was seriously broken for a long long time. I got a hold of myself, eventually, lol. I've seen some shit, I'm sure you have too. It's been years and a lot has changed., and a lot has stayed the same.

I think we both made some mistakes with our relationship, for my part, I'm sorry. I lacked the confidence in myself to build you up the way I should have.

I think you would find the modern version of me both very familiar, and yet quite a bit different. I don't know... I think of it like I beat up the timid little cunt that I used to be, took his wallet and told him to go the fuck home. I'm still as thoughtful, introspective, and sweet, but it's tinged with a little bit more of a hard edge and rockstar attitude. I yelled at a man and made him cry a year or so ago. I had a shouting match with my boss over speaker at work and left the conference room and shouted "I WILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS, MOTHERFUCKER" and kept my job. One of my friends described me as having "the patience of a sensei", and then also "Ominous". I like that. I guess I am just realizing my own confidence and force of personality. That sounds pretentious as fuck huh? I didn't morph into an asshole arrogant douchebag, lol, but I'm hardly a timid little cunt either.

Anyway, we are both good people, I always miss you this time of year. I know this CL post is just a message in a bottle, and the chance you will ever read it is minuscule at best. I haven't listened to a single song that was on the mix cd I made you since the last time I saw you, heh.

If you are still out there somewhere my K... you will know the name of the bar we first met at, and frequented often. It's still open, and they still know me there(the old school employees).

My first initial: J
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